Wednesday, 11th September 2019. The day we received diagnosis #2. The day I’d been fighting for. The day I’d filled in a multitude of forms for. The day we’d had lots of observational assessments for. The day all the evidence was collected for. The day every other appointment was building up to. The day I knew diagnosis would be given. The day I was prepared for. The day I knew what the professionals would say. The day my heart felt a huge mix of emotions all in one moment. The day they told me my son is on the autistic spectrum.
I knew the diagnosis was coming. I’ve researched autism for a while now and I knew my son displayed many traits & behaviours consistent with autism. I knew that an official diagnosis would not change the amazing person he is but my heart still felt sadness when it was confirmed. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s now been given a label – I mean no-one ever wishes for a label, maybe it’s the fact that it’s now written down in black & white, maybe it’s because it’s another name to remind me that our life is not “normal” and won’t ever be “normal”. Maybe it’s because I have to face all the fears I have about my son not “fitting in”, maybe it’s because the worries about people not accepting him are now very real, maybe it’s because I know he will always face challenges just trying to be himself in this world that doesn’t understand him. But my heart also felt relief. Relieved that we can now access support, relieved that there is a reason my son does the things he does, relieved that I can explain his “quirks”, relieved that I can put things in place to help him cope with the difficulties he faces. Sadness, relief, fear, worry all mixed together in my heart that day.
He knew something was going on that day, he asked why I thought we had the appointment. I couldn’t yet tell him he was autistic, wasn’t even sure how to start explaining it. So I told him he had an incredibly, brilliant mind that works in a different way and that we’d went to see about it. My heart also felt pride that day – proud of how my son notices the tinniest details, proud of his gift with numbers, proud of how he faces the every day and proud of how he tries to handle the challenges.
Autism is different for every family; for us it’s lines of cars, lists of facts, the same tv shows on repeat, meltdowns, very literal, factual conversations, sensory issues, structure & routine. Autism pretty much rules how we do life at our house. Autism diagnosis is not going to change the person my son is and it’s not about him changing – it’s about those around him changing. It’s about trying to understand how his mind works, it’s about trying to see things the way he does, it’s about helping him cope with situations he finds difficult.
My son amazes me. He is often a hurricane of crazy energy. He is funny, loving, intense & totally bonkers. He is different. He has autism. But if you let him be the awesome person he is, he might just change the world one day.